From the moment their child dies, parents are faced with the two extremes of loss and life 鈥� the suffocating loss of a child and the ongoing, daily demands from their surviving children, says Fleming, co-author of the recently published book, Parenting After the Death of a Child: A Practitioner's Guide.

"The challenge that parents face is this: In the midst of grief, how do you stop parenting the deceased child while you are simultaneously struggling to meet the parenting needs of the children who remain?"

Fleming, a psychology professor in the Faculty of Health at 91亚色, and co-author Jennifer Buckle [MA 鈥�98, PhD 鈥�03], now a professor at Memorial University, did the research for the book when Buckle was a graduate student at 91亚色. Their research is based on in-depth interviews with parents who had lost a child and had one or more surviving children.

The about the study is available in the Research News section.

Posted by Elizabeth Monier-Williams, research communications officer, with files courtesy of YFile 鈥� 91亚色鈥檚 daily e-bulletin.

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From the moment their child dies, parents are faced with the two extremes of loss and life 鈥� the suffocating loss of a child, and the ongoing, daily demands from their surviving children, says Fleming, co-author of the recently published book, .

鈥淭he challenge that parents face is this: In the midst of grief, how do you stop parenting the deceased child while you are simultaneously struggling to meet the parenting needs of the children who remain?鈥�

Fleming and co-author Jennifer Buckle (MA 鈥�98, PhD 鈥�03), now a professor at Memorial University, did the research for the book when Buckle was a graduate student in the Faculty of Health at 91亚色. Their research is based on in-depth interviews with parents who had lost a child and had one or more surviving children.

They found bereaved parents do not 鈥渞ecover鈥� from the loss. Instead, bereaved parenting is an act of regeneration 鈥� picking up the pieces in the face of the devastation, and regenerating both a sense of self and a sense of the family.

鈥淒ads tend to be instrumental grievers. They go back to work, commit to working for the family and they tend to overcome the fear of putting their children out into an unsafe world sooner than moms do,鈥� says Fleming. 鈥淢oms tend to be more intuitive grievers, more focused on internal feelings, and they have an almost paralyzing fear that if one child can die, another could die as well. So, often, moms are dragged back into parenting by the surviving children.鈥�

Left: Stephen Fleming

Parenting After the Death of a Child, published by Routledge, fills a gap in the research about the impact of a child鈥檚 death, because it focuses not only on the grief experienced, but on the balancing act of grieving and parenting at the same time. A clinical psychologist, Fleming says he hopes the guide will educate counsellors about the importance of looking for psychological complications in mourning the loss of a child 鈭� for example, depression, generalized anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. Too often, parents are not assessed for these reactions, and they may be traumatized by images of their child鈥檚 death or illness and re-living it, he says.

The qualitative research and excerpts from the parents who were interviewed are also intended to help bereaved parents deal with the expectations they put on themselves and those imposed by the outside world. The research reassures parents, for example, that it is healthy to honour the role of the deceased child in the family by continuing to talk about the child with the surviving siblings.

It may also offer comfort by busting myths 鈥� for example, the myth that losing a child increases the likelihood that parents will divorce and that surviving family members will be split up. Roles change and parents often struggle to be consistently present physically and emotionally for their children, Fleming says, but bereaved parents rebuild their lives because their children need it.

Republished with files courtesy of YFile 鈥� 91亚色鈥檚 daily e-bulletin.

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Opinions on the subject have shifted from the days when children weren鈥檛 expected to attend funerals at all. 鈥淎 large part of it was trying to protect them,鈥� says Stephen Fleming, professor of psychology in 91亚色鈥檚 Faculty of Health and a consultant to Bereaved Families of Ontario 鈥� Toronto, 鈥渁nd I don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 necessarily the best way to proceed.鈥�

A two-year-old like Nolan will understand very little at a funeral, but attending one may help in the grief process down the road. 鈥淭he chance of the child being traumatized in the worst case scenario, or being able to recall a whole lot, is very slim,鈥� says Fleming.

To make the day easier, children should be allowed to interact with the proceedings in an age-appropriate way, Fleming says. They may want to write a letter, or place something inside the coffin.

Kids should also be free to be kids. At an open-casket visitation, children should be allowed to touch the body if they are curious, and free to play during the funeral, Fleming says. 鈥淭hey don鈥檛 know what mourning behaviour is鈥� 鈥� and that鈥檚 okay.

Once children are eight or nine years old, their understanding of death deepens. Younger children don鈥檛 comprehend that death can鈥檛 be reversed, or that it happens to everyone. 鈥淎s children age, they grapple with and eventually get these types of concepts,鈥� he says.

Above all, says Fleming, keep open lines of communication. When kids are left in the dark about important but scary events like the death of a loved one, they tend to 鈥渇ill the gaps in their understanding, usually with things that are much more threatening.鈥�

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The (CCVF) has pledged $25,000 for the research initiative which will help address a critical gap in crime research, according to the lead researchers. 鈥淰ictims of extreme violence, and their family members, have long been ignored in the halls of science, as well as in the legal system,鈥� said 91亚色 psychology Professor Jennifer Connolly, immediate past director of the LaMarsh Centre for Research on Violence & Conflict Resolution.

CCVF co-founders Joe and Lozanne Wamback (BSc Spec. Hons.聽鈥�77) presented a cheque to the LaMarsh Centre during the foundation鈥檚 annual gala on May 28. The couple formed the foundation after a 1999 near-fatal assault on their 15-year-old son Jonathan, who is currently studying English and French at 91亚色.

Right: From left, Jennifer Connolly and Harvey Skinner

鈥�91亚色 was chosen as the best research environment to invest in a more compassionate and understanding future for all Canadians,鈥� said Joe. 鈥淭his exciting partnership with one of Canada鈥檚 most esteemed academic institutions will set new standards into understanding the needs of survivors of violence and families of homicide victims.鈥�

About one in five crimes reported to the police are of a violent nature. In 2008, there was an average of 932 incidents of violent crime for every 100,000 Canadians, according to the annual Vital Signs report from the Community Foundations of Canada. Through the LaMarsh Centre, the research program will provide clinicians with new insights into effective counselling and will guide important policies on victims鈥� rights.

Harvey Skinner, dean of 91亚色's Faculty of Health, affirmed the importance of the gift which will help cement 91亚色 as a leader in research on victims of extreme violence. 鈥淭herapeutic treatment for crime victims and their families is largely uncharted territory,鈥� Skinner said. 鈥淭his kind gift allows the Faculty of Health, the LaMarsh Centre and the 91亚色 Psychology Clinic to research and then apply that research to serve victims of crimes and their loved ones.鈥�

Left: The donation from the CCVF was presented at their聽eighth annual gala on May 28. From left, Lozanne Wamback, co-founder and victim support chair of the CCVF; Harvey Skinner, dean of 91亚色's Faculty of Health; Stephen Fleming and聽Jennifer Connolly, both professors in 91亚色's聽Department of Psychology in the Faculty of Health; and Joe Wamback, co-founder and board chair of the聽CCVF.

Connolly will lead the research component that aims to further enhance an understanding of the devastating effects of extreme violence on victims and their families, as well as the coping strategies that lead to recovery. 鈥淭his generous gift from the Canadian Crime Victim Foundation will break new ground in focusing attention on the profound and far-reaching effects of violent crimes on youth and their families,鈥� she said.

91亚色 psychology Professor Stephen Fleming will lead the clinical component through the 91亚色 Psychology Clinic, providing enhanced clinical training in trauma intervention for graduate psychology students. A member of the CCVF Professional Advisory Committee, Fleming noted the need for increased training to help victims cope with the immediate and long-term effects of their experience with violence. Many are re-traumatized long after their initial ordeal while navigating the legal system.

鈥淭hrough the 91亚色 Psychology Clinic and the generous donation from Joe and Lozanne Wamback, 91亚色 graduates will be uniquely qualified and trained to provide critical assessment and treatment to victims of extreme violence,鈥� said Fleming.

A workshop in intervention for traumatized children and adults is in preparation for the fall.

For more information about giving to 91亚色, contact Nicole Arnold, chief development officer for the Faculty of Health in the 91亚色 Foundation, at 416-650-8076 or visit the 91亚色 Foundation Web site.

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